Mama Joanna North passed on February 13th, 2015 and the age of 95.

My mama, was an actress, a wife, a mum. She has turned heads in her time and had many a guy fall head over heels in love with her. She has had many proposals from men who loved the wonder in her heart and the innocence of life.

But alas my mum only married once and that was painful enough for her. She married a man who was handsome, gallant, and exciting, but oh boy was he wrong for her. I am their daughter and love them both very much, but even a child early on knows when something ain’t right.

He was a good-looking war hero, she was a divorced woman with a child (my sister Jane) and totally unaware of the impact she had on people. My Dad proposed the first time he saw her, and he said” Do not ask me to be your best man” How it was a proposal I do not know, but nonetheless, they did eventually marry. My grandmother Daisy was against the marriage from the start, she did not want her son to marry a divorcee. She faked heart attacks and much more, and each time my dad gave in and the marriage was postponed till he eventually stood up for his wife-to-be.

My dad was a strong man among men, but with women did not know quite how to handle them. Don’t get me wrong, he had many lovers before Mum, when the war broke out Dad was in Germany with a German countess years older than him. She got him out even though he had a broken leg. It is just that Dad was a man’s man, he loved racing cars, flying planes, sailing, and drinking. This settling down was expected but was very hard for him.

My dad (he has been gone for over 50 years now) was an orange/green personality; he lived for the moment and the adulation of the results. He was a good businessman but routine board him. He worked with his hateful and dimwitted brother who was incompetent and the hate grew. So my dad every night on his way home stopped at the Conservative club and had a few.

My mother on the other hand was waiting for her husband to come home and have a nice dinner waiting for him. When it was 10 p.m. and the dinner dried all up, she got royally pissed. But my mum was not an outward face-to-face person who would call him on it, no she would be injured and hurt, and he would not notice because he did not notice things like that. So she felt more hurt as if it had been a personal attack on her, and he would not know why she was so withdrawn. As time went by so their love for each other did too. It did not help the situation, with him belittling my mother saying that she was fat and ugly and that no one would want her. He said these things because he felt inadequate to give her what she needed and he would destroy her self-esteem so she would not look anywhere else.

My dad had a heart attack when he was 40. The doctors told him that he had 3-4 months to live. What a whole lot of bullshit. My dad lived 4 more years putting everyone through hell because he chased death and we wanted life for him. Death won, and then he realized the crap that he had left behind him. Did he love her? Yes, I believe that he did, but his own fear and insecurities ruled him, and he destroyed the one person who loved him completely.

My mum Jo was a very talented woman (she died in 2015, 02/13) with many natural skills. She was an actress, a writer (of which my brother Sam has followed in her footsteps) a great hostess, her parties were always popular, she had an eye for décor and fashion, and she owned a dress store called “Sara Troy” which was very successful before my father sold it from under her. It is 50 years since Dad died and my mother even though she has had many offers, could not marry again because of the fear my dad left on her. But some of it my mum has to own up to. She should never have allowed him to walk all over her like he did, she should never have given him the power, and when he did, mirrored it back to him.

I know you are saying,” It is all very well for you to say, it wasn’t you.” But it was, because of my mother being treated like a doormat, and my upbringing influence, that I married my dad. Tony was charming; he made you mad then made you laugh. I tried to walk away but could not and did not know why. I was an independent woman who became completely dependent. I gave him the boots to walk all over me, my fault, the fact that he enjoyed it a bit too much, was his fault.

My sister Jane married a deceitful man, who nearly destroyed her, she never married again either and she did not trust men again. My brother Sam, has reversed the process by being the henpecked man, he does not live up to his value either.

We are all victims of our upbringing, and our total lack of self-worth was given to us by the reflections of our parents’ actions towards each other. Monkey see, monkey do. Cycles have to be broken, and faith in ourselves and a higher power must lead us to our true purpose in life with self-respect and worth.

I finally dug deep and crawled my way out of the big dark pit that I was in. It took me a few years. I really only had one person who understood and that gave me some courage to fight for my own life and existence. I asked for a divorce from Tony, but it took 2 years for him to go and 5 more to divorce him. He held on not because he loved me, no he had made it perfectly clear that he did and could not love me, it was because he had already been divorced before and did not want to look bad again. But my weight, (I was too fat for him) my age (I was younger than him but now too old) and his image of himself won over and he finally left. Let us not forget he had many girlfriends for many years, so why stay with me? At least my dad did not cheat on my mum; he, unfortunately, forgot the physical love also, it was just not that important to him (a green personality trait), and guess what, I am with a Green personality again. OH boy!

What I am mad about with my mum is that after all this time; she would not forgive my dad. It had been 49 years at her death. She was partly to blame by giving him the right to belittle her over and over again. We must take ownership of who we are and how we stand up for ourselves. My mum used to give me a great piece of advice “The value you put on yourself is the value people will take you for” It took me years to understand that and she never has.

What a waste, she is a beautiful lady with a great brain, talented and loved by so many, to let one person destroy all that one could have and be is heartbreaking. But this is our test in life; can we stand up for ourselves? Can we be worthy of all our possibilities? BUT DO WE PLACE A GOOD ENOUGH VALUE ON OURSELVES?

Our lives are of our choosing in the way we choose to react to what it handed us. We can go under or fight for the right to exist and be counted for.  We never know what shit is going to have frown at us, but how we react and what we do next is totally up to us. I love my mum, she had been through a lot, but I feel she could have made life much better for herself if she had only lived up to that one statement. Value yourself so others may value you too. She has pride but there is a fine line between pride and self-sacrifice.

She was 95 years old when she died . She had lived a very lonely life because she is shy and apologetic. She also believes that other people have rejected her, it is she who rejected herself. With the brain she had right up to the end, the looks the class, and style, she should have ruled the world.

Forgive and forget mum, let it all go. You do not want to take the pain with you, but you did, as you will only repeat it all over again in the next lifetime. We are born again with the imprint of our many lifetimes, and if we keep repeating our mistakes it is like being on a treadmill over and over again going nowhere.

Go into the next life in peace by making peace and in honesty and vision for your next go around. Break the cycle, and be all you desire to be, in order to live that next time your way.

I love you Mum (Jo) as I called her. Thank you for my life, your love, and your wisdom. We have had many a good time together, lunching, shopping, traveling, and partying, talking. We were very complementary to each other. Good times lots of laughter.

I wish that I could have seen you more often and shared more joy and laughter. Hold on there Mum, I want you to see me succeed, you have believed in what it is that I am doing with developing the electric motor for the world to use. This faith in me (us Bill & I) has given me the wind beneath my wings and the ability to keep moving forward with the knowledge that we will live up to our promise to you and the world. I know you were very proud of me and my radio station and the work I am doing and I know you’re still with me, I feel you.

You are special and a gift, remember that and be even now in your value.

If you can dream it, smell it, feel it you can make anything happen. I believe I will and knowing that you will be there to see that makes me feel proud, for although you have gone from this earth, your divine essence is still around me and I thank you for that..

Always Mama Jo, always love you and value you.

Love your little girl Sara.

Written 2015

Say something positive says my sister back in Canada. Of course she would say that, running Choose Positive Living on Self Discovery Radio – but staying positive has been a battle in this past January.  The storms and floods. The endless rise of Trump defies logic – but suddenly you gain insight into how demagoguery mesmerizes. The American economy is doing well, growing even, but Trump keeps telling voters all is doomed. Perhaps Trumpism will all seem like a Bobby in the Shower moment after February. And indeed after Iowa it seems that way – except that Senator Cruz is crazier than Trump. Would be interesting to see Bloomberg enter the race and be the first Independent to win and break the Republican/Democrat duopoly of power. Right now Bernie is spoiling Hilary’s party and letting in a wedge for the Republican Rubio to come through. Meanwhile as reported by our Spanish correspondent, Spain is in a complete political mess with no one it seems able to take power after an indecisive election. Even more odd, the worlds’ media have failed to notice that a major economy in Europe is in total meltdown. A decision has to be taken by Feb 22nd.

Worse, it turns out that Iran has been financing the extreme left-wing Podemos party in Spain that wants to take power there. ** As of 3.2.16 the Spanish King has requested the Socialists form a government with Podemos – so if you haven’t got your money out of Spain now, it will soon be too late.

Any comment on the fate of migrants draws such hostility from liberals – it’s hard to point out that uncontrolled migration is a ‘bad’ thing in Europe and UK putting enormous pressure on housing, healthcare, education and infrastructure, not to mention police.  With another two million expected to cross the Mediterranean this year one cannot see it ending ‘nicely’.  Clearly having Russia involved in bombing civilians in Syria on Assad’s behalf doesn’t help, but if we want to stop them coming then Assad has to be removed from power.  By any means.  And then billions spent on rebuilding the country he has devastated.  But until then they will keep coming… and tensions will continue to rise, as will the far right politicians in Europe.

Talking of Europe a deal is on the table for so called ‘reform’ but to be honest I don’t see that this is reform at all. Until all the crooks who waste trillions of Euros are held to account. Until sanity over borders and benefits is regained. I wonder what the British people will decide in June. In or out? The Brexit camp is confident despite much infighting.

Meanwhile there’s Islamic State and their continuing threats against pretty much everyone.  Including a man blowing himself up on a Somali plane and being sucked out of the fuselage through the hole he created. A miracle the plane managed to land safely in Mogadishu. That’s a positive thought there – almost.

So let’s hope that this February more miracles happen, the weather improves, your health is good and let it be known I am boycotting the Oscars because it is only shown at 3am in the morning on a channel I don’t have and to be honest I don’t see how you can compare The Big Short to The Revenant anyway.  For me, The Big Short was fun and explained a lot about the mess we are all in and The Revenant was harrowing in detail and an impressive bit of filmmaking.  The past was never glorious and eternally unforgiving.

More to come, but enjoy this month’s Hackwriters.  There’s more to come as we go forward.

© Sam Hawksmoor – Joint Editor February 2016
*As ever Hackwriters is supported by sales of our books – so do buy, print or kindle we aren’t picky.
**And thanks for those who do. The Heaviness, Another Place to Die: The Endtime Chronicles are recommended. Buy the spy/romance Repercussions of Tomas D set in the Blitz first. You know you want to. Check out Marikka published by Hammer & Tong
*** A new title coming along this March with luck

MARIKKA– exclusively on Amazon Print and kindle 2 Based on a tragic real life event, Marikka flees from an arson attack on her home to the sea, where she meets Starfish boy – a runaway working for Jackson, a scarred man hiding a sinister secret from the world. Meanwhile her real father searches for her with the aide of Anya, ‘the girl who can read objects’. More about the writing of this book ‘Long after my tears dried, my heart stayed with Marikka, Starfish Boy and the strange girl who reads objects.’ CT You will smile, you will gasp with shock, and you will struggle to read the words through your tears.Gemma Williams – Amazon.co.uk 2015

The all new 2nd Edition of ‘ANOTHER PLACE TO DIE: ENDTIME CHRONICLES By Sam Hawksmoor and Sam North (2015 version) Could you live in a world where antibiotics no longer work? Print & Kindle Q&A interview with the authors here A city gripped by fear as a lethal virus approaches from the East. No one knows how many are dying. People are petrified of being thrown into quarantine. Best friends Kira and Liz once parted are scared they will never see each other again. Teen lovers, Chris and Rachel, prepare to escape to the islands. Do you stay and hide, or do you flee? Review from the First Edition: ‘Beautiful, plausible, and sickeningly addictive, Another Place to Die will terrify you, thrill you, and make you petrified of anyone who comes near you…’ Roxy Williams – Amazon.co.uk

Spy/Romance thriller set during the Blitz in WW2 – Kindle download All proceeds go to keeping Hackwriters going The Repercussions of Tomas D A Hero? Or Englands Greatest Traitor? USA Paperback here ‘Disturbing and very poignant YA love story that presents a chilling alternate future for an England that lost the war.’ Marcel d’Agneau ‘A brilliant imagining of living in the Blitz, well researched.’ Amazon UK *download the Kindle version or buy the paperback from Hammer & TongI Sara Troy loved this book, real food for thought if things had gone differently

‘The Heaviness’ for any reader who likes to think about such things as betrayal, revenge, relationships and the laws of gravity. An original Genie Magee story The Heaviness published by Hammer and Tong Genie & Renée have just 36 hours to save Rian or he dies ‘Without a doubt, one of the best YA Sci Fi series out there.’ Evie Seo Bookish Kindle & printThanks to readers who have been buying this title this year. If you enjoyed it, please post a remark on Amazon or Goodreads. It all helps.

By Sam Hawksmoor

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